is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize