you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
