every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
