Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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