Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
