I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize