Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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