why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize