saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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