theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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