I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
