I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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