There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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