did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is my gift to your gina
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
