I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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