There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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