The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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