btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
