I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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