So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
