I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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