I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
