Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
