If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Boobs are out for the taking
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
