I'm eating all of the evidence.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
there is glitter all over my balls
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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