my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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