i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
