our cab driver is having phone sex.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize