What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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