They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
