I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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