phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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