So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
