Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
