I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
