I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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