I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
