Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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