Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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