Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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