I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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