Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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