The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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