I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Floor bacon is actually really good
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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