the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
