mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Someone shattered a urinal.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
