I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
