the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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