My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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