I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
