No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
