I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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