ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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