I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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