I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
