Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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