Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
