And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
