I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
