Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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